This is a blog where I will voice all those things that we all want to say to those morons on Facebook (and maybe a few other social networking sites) who blatantly abuse the privilege of a status update.
If you have anything you'd like me to say a few words about, email me at stopyourstupidstatuses@live.com and I will get to it!
Oh and, my name is Amber. I'm 18. And that's about all you need to know about that.
This lovely status was fan-submitted to me, and I sympathize with this fan in hating this status. I have to start this by saying, what the fuck is “dttc”!? I had to go to fucking Urban Dictionary and look that crap up! To those of you who don’t know- and don’t be embarrassed, I’d be more embarrassed if I did know what it meant- it means “don’t text the cell!” FIRST THE FUCK OF ALL, BITCH, I WASN’T ABOUT TO TEXT YOU! But seriously, even if for some crazy reason I had been, it’s not like if I send it while you’re in the shower, that you won’t get it when you get the hell out. Is that what you honestly think!? Okay, hell, lemme wait until you’re outta the damn shower, and then I’ll text you, just to make sure you get it! That’s so fucking STUPID. And now, let me move onto the fact that you’re telling us all that you’re about to take a shower. Let me take a second to fucking applaud you for that one. I’M SO GLAD YOU TAKE SHOWERS!! Really, I am! But I actually don’t need to know WHEN you’re about to jump in! I SERIOUSLY DON’T. So go take your damn shower, and next time don’t fucking bother updating us beforehand! Bitch, I DON’T CARE. And no worries, I won’t text the cell! Ughhh.
OH GUYS, SHERLOCK IS IN THE BULIDING!! Of course, you dumb bitch, hacking up a lung is not a good sign. Aside from pointing out the obvious, let me tell you what is wrong with this status: You are trying to tell us that you’re getting sick. You want our sympathy. You want someone to care. I DON’T FUCKING CARE. BECAUSE I KNOWTHAT YOU ARE NOT LEGITIMATIELY “HACKING UP A LUNG.” Stop being so damn dramatic. Why don’t you maybe, I don’t know, uhm, like get the FUCK OFF OF FACEBOOK and find some fucking cough medicine?? Great idea, right? I know, thank you! So go fucking do it, and don’t come back until your poor, sad, displaced lungs are no longer in danger. And don’t post any more crap about it. Bitch, I DON’T CARE. You get no sympathy from me.
What kind of fucking morbid cry for attention is this?? Are you actually trying to validate your existence by finding out how many people love you enough to leave a flower on your grave when you die? BITCH, YOU HAVE TWO LIKES. I hope that makes your heart feel light and warm, and I hope your existence feels validated! And may I just point out that it doesn’t matter who the hell leaves flowers on your grave when you die? You know why?? BECAUSE YOU WILL BE FUCKING DEAD. You are not going to know the difference! This is just depressing. I don’t need this shit in my news feed!! And I’m not going to “like” your morbid cry for attention, either. ‘Cause bitch, I DON’T CARE. And I won’t be stopping by with flowers.
Oh, I forgot to mention that this one, as well as “your the one” is fan-submitted. So thank you for this wonderful material. As for the dumbass who posted this…. WHAT THE FUCK, YOU?? Nobody, and I do mean nobody wants to see THIS in their damn newsfeed. Or anywhere, for that matter. You honestly sound really fucking desperate. It’s not cute. It’s not romantic. It isn’t anything but fucking ANNOYING, and CREEPY, and STUPID AS HELL. Kind of like you, right now. I honestly don’t give half a fuck if you love your baby so much and never want them to leave you. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU SAY TO THEIR FUCKING FACE, OKAY?! Don’t bother with a lousy status; if you really love somebody, why in the fuck are you updating your status about it instead of TELLING THEM?! If I could guess, I’d say it’s because they’ve already heard it too many times and they told you to get the fuck outta here with that crap. And now I’D like to tell you the same damn thing. Get the fuck outta here with that crap. Because bitch, I DON’T CARE. And if I were him, I’d leave your ass. xxxxxxxxxxx.
This is one I see WAY TOO MUCH. First of all, GRAMMAR MUCH?! What grade are you in, first? Don’t you know the difference between “your” and “you’re”? I’m fairly certain that if you’re waxing romantic about how your significant other is your truelovesoulmateforever, you mean “you’re” like, “you are”. As in “you are the one.” Not “your the one.” Which honestly makes NO DAMN SENSE. “Your” is possessive. Like “look at your stupid fucking status!” Hey, like that! So firstly, if you’re going to be posting this shit all the time, at the very least, use some grammar skills. I cannot bear this. SECOND, THAT SHIT IS JUST ANNOYING. If you want to tell your love that they’re the one, then hey, I don’t know, maybe you should like uh, CALL THEM? TEXT THEM? SEND THEM A FUCKING MESSAGE? WRITE ON THEIR DAMN WALL?? Not post it as a fucking stupid ass status and force the rest of us to look at it. You’re like those couples that make out in public, and parents drag their children by as quickly as possible whilst covering the poor child’s eyes and giving you a dirty look. Yes, you’re THAT OBNOXIOUS. And don’t you think you’re going to be pretty embarrassed at yourself when you two break up in a couple of weeks, and then you scroll through your Facebook and see constant updates of “your the one!”?? Stop and think about it. You’ll realize there is NO FUCKING NEED FOR THAT SHIT. You’re not just embarrassing yourself, you’re embarrassing your love, I hope, and EVERY FRIEND YOU HAVE ON FACEBOOK. Yeah, we’re all ashamed of you. And on top of that, I don’t want to see that your truelovesoulmateforever is “the one.” Bitch, I DON’T CARE. Shut the hell UP.
Don’t even get me started on your grammar, first of all. Those exclamation points should be question marks, or at the very least be followed by a question mark!! And yeah, I am guessing that plenty of people can say haircut. But you know what? NOBODY WILL. Because nobody even cares that you’re getting a haircut, or need a haircut, or can fucking say “haircut.” NOBODY!! The last time I cared that one of my friends was getting a haircut was in fucking middle school. When I was like TWELVE. What do you even want us to say?! (Besides “haircut” of course) That we hope the fucking barber doesn’t chop your damn ear off?? Or that we hope they don’t shave your head?? Or that oh my gosh, that is so fascinating and I genuinely would like to know, how much are you cutting off??! OR OMG I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE IT QURL!! Fuck no. I don’t care if you get a damn Mohawk. Shut the hell up about your damn haircut. Bitch, I DON’T CARE. And no, I don’t want a picture of the results.
I just don’t even know where to start with this one. This girl LITERALLY posted a status BEGGING her ex to take her back. And HE left HER. I mean what the hell on earth!?!? She was all “(Ex boyfriend’s name) PLEASE TAKE ME BACK I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!” What the actual fuck? HOW are you gonna sit there and make that a freaking Facebook status?? That is just straight up EMBARRASSING. Who does that? These people are killing me. I couldn’t even fathom humiliating myself like that! And some of you, I know, are thinking “nooo, it’s romantic, she really loves him!” And I’m going to need you to shut the hell up about that shit. There is a LINE. A LINE, between loving someone and being obsessed. If you’re going to sit there and use Facebook to beg your ex to come back to you, then you’re either obsessed or dumb as fuck. Or both. It’s NOT romantic. ROMANCE is taking a walk in the fucking moonlight or throwing pebbles at his damn window and serenading him or something like that. THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC. Oh, and you’re going to expose the REST of us to that shit? I don’t give two fucks about your boyfriend leaving you for someone else. I don’t care that you will “literally die without him OMG!!!” Bitch, I DON’T CARE. Get over him.
Really? You’re going to put up pictures of your fucking FOOD on Facebook?! This is a brand new level of stupidity. Nobody cares what the fuck you made for lunch! You’re not a damn Iron Chef, why the hell do you think we want to see pictures of your ‘masterpieces’!? On top of this, it’s no wonder you’re chubby. Stop fucking complaining about your weight if you’re going to turn around and post a picture of your five pound fucking plate of nachos! You’re not going to believe this, guys, but there are MULTIPLE people on my Facebook who actually do this! And they go back and forth, cooking and posting and tagging like it is fucking FOOD SEX or something! Oh really, you made a grilled cheese sandwich bigger than his?! THAT IS FUCKING FASCINATING. No, not really. Bitch, I DON’T CARE. Stop showing us what you’re stuffing your face with.
